How come
by Sandra6
Summary: a story about what Doug felt when Carol tried to kill herself.


How Come?  
  
Why, why did she do it?  
  
Did she do it because of me?  
  
I'm sure she did it because of me. After we broke up, she wasn't herself anymore.  
  
She was really closed off. She used to be smart, secure, funny and capable. And God she was so beautiful. Her smile can make all your sadness disappear, and her eyes, just one look into her eyes and all your worries will fade. And here she is lying now, so pale, so peaceful. I never told her I loved her, I never even showed it, I didn't tell her the effect she has on me, how she can make me shiver just by hearing her voice.  
  
Why, why did she do it?  
  
I know I hurt her, I knew when I was doing it, but I didn't care back then. I didn't realize that I loved her until she was gone. I'm trying to figure out why I cheated on her, but I don't know. I keep telling myself that I don't love her, but how come I still think of her at night when I'm alone? How come I can see her face in those women who mean nothing to me. If they mean nothing to me, why do I have this feeling that I need them. When she started dating Tag, I thought it was good for her, to have somebody who would love her, take care of her and would treat her the way she deserved. But when I saw them together I was so hurt. I didn't want Tag to touch her, to kiss her. I wanted her.  
  
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The women are all the same  
  
You don't look at their face  
  
And you don't ask their names  
  
You don't think of them as human  
  
You don't think of them at all  
  
You keep your mind on the pain  
  
Keeping your eyes on the wall  
  
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I remember our last night together. I never wanted to end.  
  
We went to celebrate Mark's birthday that night. Just me, Mark, Jennifer, Susan and Carol. We went to a jazz club were Mark loved to go. We had a great time. We played pool, danced and drinked. God did we drink. Around 1 am Jennifer and Mark went home. And we stayed and drunk some more. Carol and I were having so much fun, just like the old days. After I assured Susan that nothing would happen and I would bring Carol home, she also left. "So, we're the only one left". "Yeah, they thought they could drink us under the table but we beat them". Doug started to chuckle "Nobody can drink you under the table Carol, you're Russian". Carol started to laugh as she started to get up but failed as she fell back on to her seat. "Sorry, I think I won here" Doug said as he standed up and walked to the dance floor.  
  
"Come on Carol, one more dance and I'm gonna take you home." "Sure" she said as she waggled to the dance floor. Some Jazz music was playing and Doug grabbed her as she almost fell down. "Ok, no more dancing for you, I'm gonna take you home" as he grabbed her waist. "Yeah, what the hell, I don't like this music anyway" Doug started to laugh. And soon Carol started to laugh with him "I had fun today, Doug" she said between her laughs. "I know me too" "Just like the old days." They grabbed their coats and went to Doug's jeep. Doug had a hard time to keep his eyes on the road. Carol fell asleep and her head had fallen down on his shoulder. He could feel her soft skin against his shoulder, the soft sound she made when she slept. O God who was he trying to fool, he loved her, he loved her so much, but he couldn't commit. He never did, he never learned how. When they stopped at her apartment she started to stir. "Carol, wake up we are here" "Ok" she said as she turned her head and put her head against the window and fell back a sleep. I got out of the car, and walked to the other side. I opened the door and I lifted her out of the car, she putted her hand over my neck and her head fell back against my chin. O God I wanted her, but I knew she wouldn't, even if she wanted to was because she had too much to drink. I got her keys out of her jacket and opened the door, I didn't want to wake her up so I laid her down on the couch. As I walked away I could her call my name. "Doug, Doug wait" She had a way to say my name, I got aroused just by hearing her say that. I turned around and looked at her, she looked so beautiful. I knew I had to get out of there or else something will happen what she's was going to regret. But I couldn't, I needed her, my feet didn't moved as she walked to me. "Doug" she said again. She lifted my chin up, then leaned over and kissed my jaw and then my lips. I could hear her breathing. When we parted, I didn't know what to say or what to do. I know she cared about Tag now, not me. She wasn't thinking clearly now, she was too drunk. "Stay with me tonight Doug, don't deny me this." and she started to kiss me again. "I can't, you are going to regret it." she pulled her shirt over her head, and kissed me again. "If you don't want it, you have to leave now." I couldn't leave, I needed her, I needed to feel loved, I needed to feel her soft touch. And so I started to kiss her.  
  
The next morning I woke up, and saw her crying on the bed. She had her face turned back from me. "Carol, are you ok." She wiped her tears away, and she took a deep breath "Yes, I'm ok" she said while she started sobbing again. "I'm so sorry Carol" "It was both of us, it wasn't just your fault." She turned her face around, and I could see her eyes, they were red and puffy from her crying. "How could I do this to him, I promised myself I wouldn't cheat on anybody in my life. I know how it feels, I can't put him through that." I didn't know what to say because she was talking about me. What I did to her. I putted my arms around her neck, and she started sobbing even louder. "I'm sorry Carol, but we can make this work, I'll try, I promise" "No, you can't promise me that, you promised me that so many times." "But I will try" "No, I can't trust you, and I can't hurt Tag more then I already did, sleeping with you was a mistake." Strange I thought, I knew she was gonna regret it, I thought I could handle it. But she hurted me with those words. A mistake was all that it was to her, couldn't she see how much I care for her, couldn't she feel it, couldn't she see it in my eyes. "I will leave you alone, Carol" I stepped out of the bed, and I didn't look back.  
  
And here I am standing by her bed. I never told her what I thought of that night. That night was so great, so special. And I never told her. But now it didn't matter anymore it was too late. Too late for everything. Too late to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her. I don't think I will ever be able to tell her that I love her. I never told anyone that, not even my mom.  
  
I wonder a lot about commitments. How come I can't make one. The pain I'm feeling inside goes away when I drink or sleep with a woman. I have a little fun, dump them and I'm off to the next. Commitment isn't something for me. I will hurt them in the end. Just like Carol. O Carol, how could you do this, you leave so many people behind that care about you. I never saw your mom more furious at me, she started yelling to me again. "You did this to her, you broke my baby's heart over and over again. I warned her, but no, she assured me you wouldn't do it again. And now look at her, she is lying in her bed, dying because of you."  
  
You don't even care." I couldn't believe she was saying that I didn't care, couldn't she see that I couldn't handle it. That I was dying inside. "You know nothing about me Helen, she made this decision, I know I didn't helped but, but, just forget it. Goodbye Helen." I couldn't say it wasn't my fault. Because it was my fault. I couldn't say something that I didn't believe in. I went to the lounge and sat down on the couch. I looked at her locker, there was a picture on it of her and Tag, and a picture that was taken at Mark's birthday party. She looked so happy in it." "Oh Carol, I'm so sorry." I said as I started crying. "Why, why did she do it? Did she did it because of that night, could she not live with the guilt?. She was so happy when we dated. When we spent that day at the carnival she told me she loved me for the first time, and I didn't do anything, I just left her there.  
  
That day we both had the day off. She was complaining that we didn't leave the house anymore so I took her to the carnival. We had so much fun. We went in the bumper carts, the go-carts and the Ferris wheel. She loved the Ferris wheel. I think we went in it at least 10 times that day. She loved the view, she had a huge imagination. She talked about all those people who lived in the house around the Ferris Wheel and how you would never know how they lived. She could make up beautiful stories about those families. When she told me those stories I wanted to know about her family. But I never asked. That was too close, too much of a commitment. She told me about her dad a couple times, that he died and that she loved him, and missed him. And about her big family. How she just hated the family parties.  
  
I never shared much with her, I knew it made her feel like I didn't trusted her. But I couldn't. I couldn't get to close. The day at the carnival was great. We went in a roller coaster, she hated it. I had so much fun. She kept screaming and yelling to me. "I swear, I'm gonna kill you when we get out of this thing alive" I started laughing and looked at her. She had her arms tight on her waist. "Give me your hand Carol" "I don't think so" She looked so scared. So innocent. When we got out of the roller coaster she started laughing. "We made it, we didn't died" She was still shaking at her feet, so we went to sit down on a bench.  
  
"This is fun Doug, I'm glad we went here today" "Me too, so do you want to go in the roller coaster again" "Are you crazy" I started laughing and put my arm around her shoulder. She looked at me and she kissed my lips softly. "I love you Doug" "You what", "I said I love you"  
  
I couldn't believe what she said. She seamed so confident, she never talked about her emotions. "So do you love me too?" O my God, she wants to hear it from me. How can I tell her that! I never told anyone that. I needed a drink, a distraction. "I'm sorry Carol, I have to go, I forgot I have an appointment. "She looked sad, tears formed in her eyes "Ok, talk to you later" I could see in her eyes that she didn't believed me, I hurt her by not saying it back. How could she ask me to say it! I care about her that's for sure, and I don't want to hurt her like this, but I can't say I love her. "Carol" She looked down to her feet. "Carol" Still no response. "Carol, look at me" I cupped her face and looked straight in her eyes. "I'm really sorry" Sure, just go to wherever you're going, I don't need an explanation. I'm just your girlfriend." I told her I was sorry again and I just left her there.  
  
Mark gave me a lecture that night. Apparently Carol called Susan to pick her up, and told her everything. "How can you do that to Carol, she was crying all day." "I had an appointment I said" "Oh come on Doug, don't lie." "I had to …" "If all you have to say are lies, then please shut up. You already knew she loved you, you two have been dating for almost 5 months now. How can you say that you didn't see this coming. I thought you cared about her. "I do Mark, I do care about her." "You really showed her that today, by leaving her on a bench in this cold weather, after she just told you how she feels about you. Do you know how much strength that cost her." I didn't know what to tell Mark. He would be even more pissed if he knew where I was that afternoon. Everything seemed so much simpler when I was with that girl. She asked no questions, we just had a little fun and that was it. Carol wanted a commitment which I couldn't give her. I liked being around Carol. I even did things I didn't like to do with her just to be with her. She talked me into ice-skating, I hate it so much, I can't stay standing on the ice, I keep falling. And yet I had so much fun when we went to the skating rink.  
  
"Come on Doug, you can do it." She seemed so confident on the ice. She was skating around like she was walking. I skated a couple times when I was a kid, but I had problems with keeping my balance. I tried to put one foot on the rink, but I immediately regretted when I fell backwards. "Damn, come on Carol. Let's go, we can go to the park or something." No, you promised that we would go ice-skating. We went to the Bulls last week. And now we are going to something that I like." "But you liked the Bulls game, you were cheering even more then I did." "I didn't say that I didn't liked it, but it isn't my favorite sport. And no come on, give me your hand I promise I won't let you fall." She looked so happy that day, she was smiling and laughing. I gave her my hand but I when I lost my balance again we both fell backwards. "See, I said" As we both started laughing. "But I really like ice skating and I hardly have time anymore to do it". "It's ok honey, why don't you go skating and I'll wait here on the bench". "No, you will get bored". "Carol, go skating, I don't mind". "Ok, just a half hour, she said as she kissed me on the cheek". I looked around and there were a lot of young children with their parents. The parents looked so happy and proud. I thought about kids a couple times, I love kids, but it wasn't something for me. I wouldn't be able to give a child so much love. When I looked around I saw Carol talking with a man. She was laughing, and I stood up to take a better look.  
  
When Carol saw him watching she waved and skated to Doug. "Who was that?" I tried to talk calmly but even I heard the curiosity in my voice. "That is Matt, I went to high school with him". "And…" "And what" "You seemed very happy to see him". "We went out a couple times, but it didn't work out" she said with a little anger in her voice. "Ok, sorry for asking, do you want to go" "Sure, I'm hungry" She sat down on the bench and took her skating shoes off and put her shoes on. I put my arm around her waist as we walked to the diner. We went to sit down in a booth in the corner. "What do you want Carol". "Doesn't really matter, everything that's hot is fine". "I think I want soup." I felt very protective over her. I didn't liked how that guy looked at her. She was my girlfriend. But that day was fun, we talked allot afterwards. She talked about Matt and some other guys she dated. And then I told her a little bit about my time in high school. She seemed so happy that I finally told her some things about my youth.  
  
During the time we were going out, I cheated on her so many times. I don't know how many, I don't even remember their names anymore."  
  
I didn't liked being pushed in relationships. I still wanted to be free, to be able to go out to a bar without explaining every time.  
  
She accepted my need for freedom, totally unlike my other girlfriends. But I misled her with that freedom. When I told her I went out to a bar, I usually ended up in bed with another woman." I didn't regret what I did it, I just felt sorry for Carol. For the pain I caused her.  
  
I hope she will survive and that she will be happy with Tag someday. I care for her so much, but I won't be able to give her what she needs, what she wants. I can't give her love, protection and security. I wish I could, because I need her, I really do.  
  
"It's a couple hours after you tried to kill yourself, and here I am standing by your bed. Your mother would be so mad if she knew I was in here. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry, sorry for everything. I, I, oh Carol." I couldn't speak, it became too much. I didn't want to lose her. She was dying all because of me. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. I put her hand in mine, it felt so cold. "I'm so sorry, I really am." "I wish I could change what I did but I can't." "I, I love you Carol." I softly kissed her cheek as I turned around and walked out of the room.  
  
I closed the door and immediately fell down on the floor. It hurted so much, I couldn't stop crying. My Carol, my sweet Carol. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  
  
The end.  
  
  
  
Thank you Emily for checking it for me! 


End file.
